Non-Sexual Intimacy: Ideas for Couples and Singles
So, let me start with my own story. When I moved from Costa Rica to New York, I left my tribe behind. Back home, people are warmer and physically closer. New Yorkers felt more distant. I get why, but I felt isolated, and I missed that everyday intimacy with people I wasn’t dating. What surprised me most was that my friendliness sometimes got misread as romantic or sexual interest. I’m still not sure why. Maybe it’s cultural. Or maybe when people have gone without that kind of closeness, they don’t recognize it when it’s platonic.
If you’re here because you want more closeness in your relationship, this post has ideas for you. If you’re single, not dating, asexual or just missing touch, it’s for you too. Most advice on this topic assumes you have a partner. Plenty of us don’t, and we still need connection.
What is non-sexual intimacy?
Intimacy really just means closeness: being known by someone and feeling at ease with them. Sex could be one way people get close, but it’s far from the only one. Laughing at the same terrible joke, being held after a hard day or talking until 2 a.m. can leave you feeling just as connected.
People look for non-sexual intimacy for all kinds of reasons. Couples might be navigating a new baby, an illness, a stressful year or different levels of desire. Some people are asexual and want closeness without sex at all. Others are single, widowed, new to a city, or have simply noticed they haven’t been hugged in months.
None of these reasons needs justifying. Wanting to feel close to other people is about as human as it gets.
Types of non-sexual intimacy
Most people describe four kinds. You probably have more of some than others, and that’s normal.
Emotional intimacy
Sharing what’s really going on inside you, and being met with care instead of judgment. Example: telling a friend you’ve been lonely lately, and having them listen instead of rushing to fix it.
Physical intimacy
Affectionate touch that isn’t sexual. Example: a long hug at the airport, or resting your head on someone’s shoulder during a movie.
Intellectual intimacy
Feeling close through ideas. Example: happily arguing about a book you both read, or thinking through a big decision out loud together.
Shared experiences
Closeness that grows from doing things side by side. Example: cooking a recipe neither of you has tried, training for a race or getting gloriously lost on a road trip.
Examples of non-sexual physical intimacy
Physical closeness is often the type people miss most, and the one we talk about least. A few everyday examples:
- Hugging, especially the long kind that lasts more than a polite second
- Cuddling on the couch, or lying close while you talk
- Holding hands on a walk
- A hand on someone’s back or shoulder
- Leaning against each other, or resting a head in a lap
What makes touch non-sexual isn’t the touch itself. It’s the intention behind it and the agreement between the people involved. The same hug can be friendly, comforting or romantic depending on who’s sharing it and why. That’s also why cuddling on its own isn’t sexual.
Non-sexual intimacy in a relationship: ideas for couples
Here’s a finding worth knowing. In a study of roughly 300 college students, people who reported more non-sexual physical affection with their partner, such as cuddling and hugging, also reported higher satisfaction with their relationship (Gulledge et al., 2003). That shows a link, not proof that cuddling causes happiness, but it’s a nice nudge.
A few ideas to try:
- Make some touch “just touch.” If one of you worries that every hug is an invitation to something more, you’ll both start avoiding contact. Agree out loud that couch cuddles are just couch cuddles. It takes the pressure off.
- Ask what feels good right now. Preferences shift with stress, health and seasons of life. “Do you want a hug or some space?” is a loving question.
- Do a phone-free check-in. Take ten minutes a day to ask how the other person is actually doing, then listen.
- Try something new together. A class, an unfamiliar trail, a dish neither of you has cooked. New experiences give you fresh things to share.
- Talk lying down. Some of the best conversations happen side by side in the dark, without the pressure of eye contact.
- Say the quiet things. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them, specifically. Small and specific beats big and vague.
If you and your partner want different things and it’s causing tension, a couples counselor can help you talk it through together.
How to find non-sexual intimacy when you’re single
This is the part most articles skip. If you live alone or aren’t dating, touch can quietly disappear from your life. You’re not imagining it, and you’re far from alone. In the BBC’s Touch Test, a large online survey run just before the pandemic, more than half of participants said they got too little touch in their lives, and only 3% said they got too much (BBC Science Focus).
If you’ve been feeling touch starved, here are some places to start.
Friends and family
Ask for the hug. Seriously. Lots of people would love more affection but wait for someone else to go first. “Can I get a long hug?” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to a good friend.
Pets
A cat on your lap or a dog leaning into your legs counts. If you can’t have a pet, many animal shelters welcome volunteers to help socialize their animals.
Community
Regular group activities, like a dance class, a choir, a running club or volunteering, build the kind of familiarity that makes a friendly hug feel natural over time.
Cuddle parties
A Cuddle Party is a structured event that starts with a workshop on consent and boundaries, followed by optional, platonic cuddling. You can say no to anything, including cuddling at all. I facilitate cuddle parties in NYC at the Embrace Club studio in Brooklyn.
Professional cuddling
If you’d like one-on-one platonic touch with clear agreements, a professional cuddler is another option. More on how that works below.
Is cuddling a form of intimacy?
Yes, cuddling is a form of physical intimacy, but intimacy and romance aren’t the same thing. Closeness can be romantic, friendly or simply comforting, and cuddling shows up in all three. A parent holding a child, two friends sharing a blanket and a couple on the couch are all cuddling.
What separates them is intention and agreement, which I break down in platonic vs. romantic cuddling. The short version: when both people have agreed the touch is platonic, it’s platonic.
Professional cuddling: platonic intimacy with clear boundaries
Professional cuddling is a one-on-one session of platonic, consent-based touch with a trained professional. It’s intimacy in the sense this whole post is about: closeness and comfort, with the platonic nature agreed up front. If paying for a cuddle sounds unusual, you’re not the only one who thinks so. Here’s how it actually works on Embrace Club:
- You choose who you see. Browse profiles, read reviews and message a professional with any questions before you book.
- Boundaries are agreed before and during. Before any touch, you talk through what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and you keep checking in as the session goes.
- Either of you can pause. You can change your mind, take a break or stop at any point, and so can the professional.
- Everyone stays fully clothed. Sessions are platonic by design.
- You pick the setting. In New York, you can meet at our studio in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, the only dedicated cuddle studio in the city. You can also book a home visit with professionals who offer them, or try a virtual session.
Every Embracer (that’s what we call our professionals) is interviewed by our team, and we verify that they’ve completed independent professional cuddling training. Embracers currently work in New York, New Jersey, Ohio, California and Idaho, and you pay your professional directly.
Professional cuddling has therapeutic benefits, but doesn’t replace talk therapy, and it isn’t a replacement for friends, family or a romantic partner. It’s one more way to get the comfort of touch, in a setting where the agreements are clear from the start. If you’re curious what that looks like in practice, here’s what to expect from your first cuddling session.
Clients often tell me that even though we were strangers at our first session, it felt familiar, as if they’d known me for years. They also say they felt comfortable, respected and not judged.
Ready to look around? Browse professionals on Embrace Club, or message one with your questions before you book.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to want intimacy without sex?
Yes, completely. Lots of people want closeness without sex, whether for a season or for life. Some are asexual, meaning they experience little or no sexual attraction, and many asexual people still value affection and deep relationships. Others are recovering from an illness, grieving or simply craving comfort. All of it is normal. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network is a good place to learn more about asexuality.
Can intimacy be platonic?
Yes. Close friendships and family bonds are full of platonic intimacy, from late-night talks to long hugs, with no romance or sex involved. What keeps closeness platonic is shared intention and clear agreement between the people involved. Professional cuddling works the same way: the closeness is real, and both people agree from the start that it’s platonic.
Is non-sexual intimacy cheating?
It depends on the agreements in your relationship. For most couples, hugging a friend isn’t cheating. Secretly building deep emotional closeness with someone else can feel like a betrayal, even with no sex involved. If you’re partnered and curious about professional cuddling, talk with your partner first.
Is professional cuddling sexual?
No. Professional cuddling is platonic by design. Boundaries are agreed before the session and revisited during it, everyone stays fully clothed, and either person can pause or stop at any time. The point is comfort and connection.
Sources
- Gulledge, A. K., Gulledge, M. H., & Stahmann, R. F. (2003). Romantic physical affection types and relationship satisfaction. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(4), 233–242. doi.org/10.1080/01926180390201936
- BBC Science Focus. Pre-pandemic study shows more than half of us report wanting more physical contact (on the BBC Radio 4 and Wellcome Collection Touch Test, 2020). sciencefocus.com